| Many conflicts begin with small irritations that | | | | increasingly agitated. When we passed in the |
| grow into major blow-ups. This often happens | | | | apartment hallway, I think we actually glared at |
| because of the mindset of the "combatants." As | | | | each other a bit. She thought I had lost my mind, |
| a conflict builds and you begin the process of | | | | and I thought the same of her. |
| confronting the issue, I have found that you really | | | | Eventually, the showdown came as we met at |
| only have two options. You can choose to prove | | | | the closet in the bedroom. There we stood, |
| that your perspective is RIGHT, or you can | | | | toe-to-toe and nose-to-nose, ready to "have it |
| choose to RESOLVE the conflict. | | | | out." We needed to settle this issue, and we both |
| The person who chooses to be RIGHT: | | | | thought that we were "right." In that moment of |
| Really | | | | near explosion, with emotions high over this critical |
| Insists on | | | | issue in our lives together, I walked away to stop |
| Giving | | | | myself from yelling at my new wife. With about |
| His (or Her) | | | | 30 or 45 seconds of separation, we both realized |
| Thoughts. | | | | how truly ridiculous the situation had become. We |
| They focus on being heard rather than on hearing. | | | | decided that working to RESOLVE the conflict |
| By contrast, the person who chooses to | | | | took priority over either of us being RIGHT. |
| RESOLVE the conflict: | | | | That experience -- as silly as it sounds eighteen |
| Respects the other person | | | | years later -- opened the door for a great |
| Engages in productive dialogue | | | | dialogue about what we both thought and felt in |
| Seeks to understand the other person | | | | that moment of conflict. Our choice to find the |
| Observes carefully | | | | common ground in our perceptions kept the |
| Listens actively | | | | situation from spiraling totally out-of-control. |
| Voices their concerns, and | | | | This same process happens in work teams every |
| Evaluates possible solutions. | | | | day. One co-worker says or does something that |
| They focus on understanding the other person | | | | irritates another. A supervisor forgets to notify |
| first. As Stephen Covey says in The Seven | | | | people of a schedule change. Or any number of |
| Habits of Highly Effective People, they "seek first | | | | other frustrations that happen when people work |
| to understand and then to be understood." | | | | together. Each person formulates their perception |
| I'll illustrate with a story from my experience. | | | | of what happened, what the other person |
| My wife and I met while I served as a submarine | | | | intended or thought, and how they should "solve" |
| officer in the U.S. Navy and she worked as a | | | | the problem. Then the two parties engage in a |
| school teacher in Charleston, South Carolina. We | | | | "discussion" with both people defending their |
| got married as my naval commitment ended and | | | | positions in an effort to be RIGHT. As each of |
| my civilian career began. Three days after our | | | | them tries to prove how RIGHT they are, the |
| wedding, we moved from South Carolina to New | | | | conflict intensifies. The end often comes with one |
| Jersey. We both felt the excitement and | | | | or both parties angry to the point that they |
| anticipation of our new life together. | | | | withdraw out of a sense of hopelessness or |
| In the process of moving the last pieces of | | | | frustration. As both of them seek to "win" the |
| clothing from my closet to the vehicle we were | | | | argument, both of them lose. |
| driving to New Jersey, we hit the first major | | | | By itself, a resolution mindset will not resolve all |
| conflict of our married life. I wanted the clothes | | | | conflicts. Many other skills also come into play. |
| on the right side of the vehicle. She wanted them | | | | However, the mindset we take as we approach |
| on the left side. As we made alternating trips | | | | the other person plays a critical role in the |
| from the closet to the car, both of us rearranged | | | | process. Great team members, great leaders, and |
| the items in the vehicle every time we returned | | | | great communicators make the choice to |
| to it. I placed my load of clothes on the right side. | | | | RESOLVE issues instead of insisting that they are |
| Then I moved everything from the left to the | | | | RIGHT. |
| right in a neat stack. She did the same except | | | | The next time you find yourself on the brink of a |
| that she placed everything on the left side. As | | | | conflict, I encourage you to RESOLVE the conflict |
| this process continued for three for four trips | | | | rather than to insist on being RIGHT. |
| between the closet and the car, we each became | | | | |