| is research that shows that the best outcomes | | | | you should have strict rules and excessive |
| result when parents provide a good balance | | | | punishment. During the teen years, your children |
| between guidelines and expectations for their | | | | are trying to navigate their way through a very |
| children’s behavior and a positive, | | | | confusing world with little parental guidance. It is a |
| supportive relationship. | | | | parent’s responsibility to provide guidelines |
| Parents are not meant to be their | | | | and expectations, without being a dictator. |
| children’s best friends but in order to raise | | | | Because your children are not in your presence all |
| happy, healthy teens, it is imperative to have a | | | | the time, you may not know whether or not |
| reasonably close relationship, at least as close as | | | | they are following your guidelines but the simple |
| your teen will allow. | | | | fact that you have them has been shown to be |
| During this period in your child’s life, he or | | | | very important. My teens knew I didn’t |
| she is attempting to separate from you by | | | | like cursing, drinking and driving, drug use and |
| developing his or her own identity that is uniquely | | | | disrespect of others. I wanted them to do their |
| different from yours. Teens often find their | | | | best in school but understood that academics |
| parents’ values conflict with the values of | | | | were not nearly as important to them as they |
| their peer culture and what they see in the media. | | | | were to me. |
| While they are separating from you, they are | | | | My children tested the limits, of course, and I |
| being immersed in a world where almost anything | | | | expressed my disappointment when they did. We |
| goes. | | | | always had conversations about how it was my |
| The only way to maintain any influence during this | | | | job as their parent to keep them as safe as I |
| time is by maintaining a positive relationship. This | | | | could, while allowing them the freedom to explore |
| can be difficult because your children are doing | | | | their world independently. |
| things that scare you and may jeopardize their | | | | Maintaining this balance of relationship and |
| safety but you need to stay supportive and | | | | expectations provides exactly the right |
| encouraging. One of the best things you can do | | | | environment for your teen to practice real life |
| for your teenager is to listen. Attempt to | | | | decision-making, while still having the safety of the |
| understand their life from their unique vantage | | | | family when he or she makes mistakes or needs |
| point. | | | | support. |
| Ask your children questions and listen to the | | | | When your teen violates your expectations, it is |
| answers, without judgment. Teens need to know | | | | important to have conversations about what they |
| that you are interested in what they do and that | | | | were attempting to accomplish by violating your |
| their thoughts and ideas won’t be | | | | guidelines. Help them to see the danger in the |
| criticized by you at every turn. Resist the | | | | choices they made and help them evaluate |
| temptation to correct everything they say. This | | | | whether or not the behavior they chose will help |
| will increase the likelihood that your teens will | | | | them move in the direction they were attempting |
| continue to talk to you. | | | | to go. |
| That does not mean that you support their | | | | I was fortunate to have two sons who were |
| negative behaviors. It is acceptable and important | | | | interested in the FBI as a career so anything they |
| that you let them know how their behavior | | | | did that skirted around legal issues, I was able to |
| affects you. If your child starts swearing, it is all | | | | connect their engaging in that behavior hindering |
| right to acknowledge their right to do so with | | | | the likelihood of them getting into the FBI. |
| their friends if that is important to them, but you | | | | Teens like to know that their parents will keep |
| would prefer he or she not use offensive | | | | them safe even if they struggle and fight any |
| language in your presence. | | | | restrictions you have. Do not confuse their anger |
| The other part of what creates the most healthy | | | | and disdain. This is often simply part of the |
| teens is clear, consistent guidelines and parental | | | | process but deep down, they are appreciating |
| expectations for behavior. That does not mean | | | | that you care enough to keep them safe. |